I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
