He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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