I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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