We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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