There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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