I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
