If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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