ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
