Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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