After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
