I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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