Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We had sex on a dog bed..
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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