This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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