break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
