So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
