so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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