i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
