Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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