I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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