What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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