Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
