dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Everything about him screamed your future.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Randomize
