I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
