Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
