she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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