And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
