Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So vagazzling was a success
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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