THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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