I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
