He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
