How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
