the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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