I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
