I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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