I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
