when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
