I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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