You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
