Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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