don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
