Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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