Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
