so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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