yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
