I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
