im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
