Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
