I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
