I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
