planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
